Ok, so this is not going to be a pleasant entry... infact I should not write down things that I will not want to remember later. But writing is therapeutic.
I'm now in bad week #3 in a row. And let me tell you how happy I am about that. Started off the day as expected, getting a low D on my Biochem midterm. I did not expect to have made such stupid mistakes. I still have to check and see if there's a chance for regrade credit. But this has left me in a very bad mood... I did pretty well through the day... it helped that I did well on History which I got back afterwards. I knew I needed to keep my cool, after-all tomorrow I get Ochem back... which will make another joyous day. But tonight, as I got upset about Biochem, and began to debate retaking it I realized the common pattern. I get upset and frustrated with all classes needed for my major. I haven't even taken a class to really count for my major. Biochem is a major-level prereq. With each class I don't like, I doubt my major more... and in fact like my major less. Genetics Counceling... how much genetics is there? What type of genetics is it?
I hate how much I doubt myself in my science classes. I did well and enjoyed a fair amount my easy intro to biology classes. But that's it for science. The classes I have done well in, I've still doubted myself, and wondered if I was good enough. I've relied on the curve for basically all of them. I have no confidence, and it really shows when I'm asked to put my thoughts into coherent sentences. Other than Genetics Counceling, I can't really picture myself doing anything with my major. I don't want to teach, I don't want to research, and I don't want to go into medicine. That eliminates quite a bit. So as I wonder to myself if I'm just not smart enough to be in this field... As I think how much I hate being dependent on my medicine for my learning disability to be able to succeed. I realize another thing..
I do really well in Psychology. If I'm going to talk to someone about what I learned in class, it's usually my Psychology class. I learn so much, it fasinates me, and I can recall the information really well. I'm usually setting the curve in my Psychology classes. They are the classes bringing up my grades...
So now what? What am I left with. To do genetics counceling, it is probably better to have a mol gen major. But can I do that and do well? Will I be able to keep the 3.5 GPA? Will it look bad to take a W in Biochem, or worse to get a C or C-? Do I switch to a Psych major with a bio minor and figure it will be the same amount of credit hours needed? What do I do? What are my options? What will make me happy in the end? How do I figure this out? This is what has run through my head all evening. And I have no answers... I'm just confused. People in my major will tell me to stick it out. People not in my major will tell me to switch. But I don't know what I want to do. I just want to be able to have a job I like. And I don't have a clue.
So that's where I'm at today. Oh the joys. And now that I've wasted most of an evening, tomorrow will just be more work. I'm tired, and really just want to give up... and I hate to think if I need to drop Biochem, that means I'll have to take a class or two this summer. And I was also planning out the next 5 quarters... and each will be 17-19 credit hours. This is the first quarter I've taken that many.... Oh joy.
Anyhow, sorry for the depressing post-- if you actually read this far. I just needed to get it off my chest. I promise, I'll post happy pictures soon.
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1 comment:
Ah...the joys of discovering you don't like the path you are on. Good for you for figuring it out BEFORE you have an entire degree you don't want to use (like your loser sister here).
I was a bit the opposite of you. I did really well in my classes and classroom observations (but let's be honest...a gorilla could get an A in ElEd classes). I like kids. Everyone and their brother told me that I was born to be a teacher.(and still tells me, by the way). But I had nagging doubts. Would I be good enough? Was this for me? Why didn't I enjoy this more?
And I got my degree. And suffered through a year of teaching. And finally figured it out. I CAN teach. I WAS really good at it. But I just didn't like it. I just didn't want to work 12 hour days and have no weekends to do the job.
You CAN do this major. You have already proven it to us all. But just because you can pass the classes doesn't mean you like it. This is what college is all about...figuring out what you want to do the rest of your life.
You need to know that you CAN DO ANYTHING. But you also need to know that you don't have to if you don't want to. (in other words...don't listen to other people, listen to your heart) Find what makes you happy...whether that means struggling through this major to get to your final goal of genetic counseling, or changing your major so you can take classes you enjoy and figure out where they will lead you.
I'll always think you are a success...no matter what you decide.
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