Through the Laughter and the Tears... find Hope

Why am I not adjusted? This thought has been bugging the heck out of me recently! Undergrad, I was fairly well adjusted after 4 months. I've been here 6 months now, and still feel more alone than ever... and just struggle to get everything done that's needed. The smiling face-- it's gone at least 5 days of the week. What do I need for release? LAUGHTER. I laughed today in class and felt the most amazing rush, it actually surprised me. Have I really not been laughing? Sure, there's the mandatory chuckle, or the little laugh you have when a professor makes a sarcastic remark... but that true can't hold it back laugh that you feel through out your body-- apparently they have been missing. So 1 problem identified-- what's the solution? Hmmm... spend more time with people. Well crap, this leads me to problem #2... LONELINESS.

Now, a large part of the problem is that I am resistant to adjusting and modifying who I am simply to not feel lonely. The other part of the problem is that between my classes, GSR, eating, sleeping, and traveling between school and home, and studying... there's not much time left!! I need to take more time for myself, but I always seem to cut that part down. But truly, these are just excuses. In reality, life itself is not terrible. I have a wonderful fiance who I miss pretty much every second of every day, and I have wonderful friends. My friends just aren't exactly available to call on days like today where I need someone to just force me to calm down and take a break. Therefore my stress does not get relieve my friends so it releases in the form of: you guessed it-- TEARS. (By the way, frustration tears only get more embarrassing as you get older). I resist changing because I know and I like who I am... and how I can act around my friends (it's hard to explain). Why would I want to change if I like who I am, and I know others who like who I am and understand me. It's really a lot of the little things. Having someone to talk to when you get home, walking and talking with people about random things, waiting for someone after class, or meeting up with them because you don't have class together but share a break (Fred and I did this a lot last year). Many of these interactions took time to develop, but the point is that they are now in my "etiquette" for developing friendship. It's the offering to wait up/ meet up... and the fact that someone actually wants to spend time with you. It can't be forced. So as these things don't happen naturally as fast as I want them to I have to remind myself that I have known my other friends for at least 5 years, and I should not judge my relationship with people here who I have known 6 months. But until then, I am in the most stressful area of my life, and my support system is not close.

On a related note, stress is getting the best of me recently. I really have not been myself, very edgy. I decided that I need to cut back on my status updates on facebook... comments on little things seem to set me off, which is not characteristic for me and I know would not normally happen. Facebook needs to be all happy... If I put sad messages up I will not get happy responses. And thinking about it I know why... it's week #8. So my body is gearing up for finals, but it is only midterms!! I think I need a break around week 9/10. Fortunately, I will get one. Unfortunately it will include a take home midterm, trying to get ahead in class readings, and may be the last one until next December. Not to mention my body truly needs the break right NOW. I can't wait until I am no longer taking 6 classes and get to start rotations! Sure there is stress involved, but it's NEW stress.

OkOk, I am sure you can tell I have been stressed. (You actually shouldn't even still be reading!) But if you are-- I decided I need to start focusing on good things that happen in Pittsburgh. This happened today when I got headache #3 of the week. Now, my mind wants to follow things up with egging problems that are not related to the good, but I need to forget them and think of the good.

GOOD THINGS: I was reminded today at how wonderful my professors are. I truly feel like they support me 100% and can go talk to them when I need to. They help me keep an even head and acknowledge that this stuff IS HARD, but I CAN do it! I need to remember things they have told me-- like one telling me about still being nervous, but has learned ways to deliver presentations without nerves! Yet when this professor started she was 'worse' than me (I doubt this, but it's a good thought to have so I'll take it). And two of them reminding me that if this is what I want to do (which it is!) then I just have to do my best and work hard and I will be fine. They have given me their ears to cry to, and provided me with a sense of HOPE and comfort that I sometimes cannot feel enough of from those far away. It is nice to know that their doors are always open, and that I am welcome to go to them for anything. So in a way, during these moments, they feel like the best of friends I have found in Pittsburgh. Much of that may be because they have gone through this, and came out as fantastic researchers/professors so they now can provide me with advise... but a large piece is that they are just good people, and I appreciate their recognition of this stressful portion and hope for future success. I know that I will make a GREAT counselor. And counseling classes have made me feel really good about how I dealt with clients in undergrad. So if I can get out of my head this sense of judgment I feel from my classmates (which I know is mostly if not entirely made up in my head) and refocus to treat class as I would a patient, they I would be golden.